Story time

It's been almost half an year and I thought it is finally over. I thought that is over- that is past . I don't think about him as before, I don't talk about him whenever I can anymore... I thought I can continue and enjoy in this crazy life.

Finally. A party- birthday party of my friend. Finally new chance to meet new people. But I decided that I will break the wall that is around me tonight.

At first it was a little bit awkward. Some people I know- some new people. I set down in the corner with few friends and watched around. After around 30minutes, one friend of mine suggested to go and grab something to drink. 
I decided I'm gonna finally take something alcoholic. I grabbed wine. 
It was discussing wine but I drank it anyway. I was becoming free... 
I drank 2-3 glasses, and 2 shots of vodka later on. I started dancing and singing...I was not giving a damn. That was unusual for me because I'm the one who just sits and checking the phone all the time. 
I spotted the guy who was in my ex's band...I wanted to hook up with him..Just because he knows my ex. BAD DECISION. I tried and I put my hand on his shoulder. NO. I apologize to him and went out. I sat next to my friend and some guys were around and talking...

Somehow I started talking with some guy (who seems pretty gay but never mind) and we started talking about school and so on and on and then I met another guy who was shading everything and one of my friends start yelling: AGHHH, IW I APPRECIATE YOUR MEMES SO MUCH, WAIT...NO I LOVE THEM...SPECIALLY THE ONE ABOUT COMMUNISM...and some guy made a weird noise and start coming to me while saying really loud: ,,FUCKKKKK, ARE YOU A COMMUNIST????" and I said:,, Oh hell yeah.." and we fucking stared talking about history, communism, politics but also about school and other basic stuff and at some point he brought vodka and we drank and we fucking drank a shot in honor of communist's leaders.

A minute by a minute, he was closer and closer to me and in one moment he wanted to kiss me...I got back and said...meeh I'm not the person who is kissing in the public and in the front of everyone... 
He said ah okay,let's go for a walk... 
Of course I knew he wanted to kiss me...And okay...I wanted to test myself.

We left and went to some other street and stopped...We continue talking and I remember that I asked him what color are his eyes because I couldn't see because it was dark... It was 1:30am....
Then...we kissed...after a while...we went to some playground...sat down and continue kissing and taking.... 
He tried something, but I sopped him... 
The whole atmosphere was kinda depressing to me...

I didn't feel anything. Even I was drunk...I felt nothing. I did it mechanically. I couldn't even enjoyed... And why? Because I am still not over my ex... 
I was thinking...this dude doesn't kiss like Him...this dude is not Him...Iw...you are not kissing Him... 
In these moments I stopped kissing...and I tried to forget these thoughts but it didn't work...I imagined that this guy was Him, my ex...but still nothing...

I failed the test...I started acting really weird and I felt so miserable..I was hoping I will feel the same feeling I had while I was kissing my ex...But no...That kiss,with this dude...it wasn't love..it was...wrong... 
.i got back to the party to pick up my friend and go home because the party was almost over and he went home...

we didn't chat or see since then...and i think we will never will...

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